...but I was alive
Saturday, August 07, 2004
The link in my last entry is now incorrect, because the address of my new page has been changed. Best to just go to ashtangi.net and follow the links ("blog list" and then "but I was alive").
--A
Friday, June 25, 2004
This is going to be my last post at this web address. I've moved over to an Ashtanga Yoga collective (how thoroughly yogic!), Ashtangi.net where you can find a whole neighbourhood of Ashtanga blogs (well...soon there will be a whole neighbourhood, for now there's like, a city block), my portion is still called "...but I was alive" and I moved all my archives over as well..that's where you'll find me from now on.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
I'm bored again. Just sitting at home watching High Fidelity. I read the book when I was in Asia (I highly recommend Nick Hornby books to anyone who wants a very funny, but not too heavy read), the movie is nowhere near as good, but that's generally to be expected.
I went to a meeting for my new job on Monday night (the restaurant is supposed to open this weekend) only to find out that the meeting had been cancelled (although for some reason the five of us who showed up hadn't been informed) and rescheduled for last night. I couldn't go last night, because it was my brother's graduation and there was this whole dinner thing that I had to go to, so now I have no idea what's going on with work. I've emailed my boss twice and received no response. I don't have his phone number because he never gave it to us, I don't even know his last name, and the resto doesn't have a phone yet...so I have no way of knowing if/when I'm supposed to work this weekend.
What's nice to know though is that I got a phonecall yesterday when I wasn't home (just got the message today) that a PR firm that I applied to in Montreal called and possibly wants to interview me. This is good for two reasons (1) I would have to go to Montreal for the interview, which is perfect because everyone knows I love Montreal and there are a few people, one in particular, who I wouldn't mind seeing right now. (2) If (and this is a big if) I got the job then I could quit the restaurant and move to Montreal, as it would be a full-time job with a full-time salary and that, being back in Montreal over the summer, would be just about the greatest thing right now.
So, other than that: went to my brother's grad last night, it was nice because all the families were there for dinner and awards and then we left and the kids had a dance. It's so funny to watch kids that age and watch all the social dynamics that are going on and constantly changing. They're trying so hard to be adults but they really are still kids, but they're trying so hard. Tonight we (my family) took out a former employee and her husband for a somewhat belated 'goodbye' dinner. It was a really nice meal, it was great to see her, because we were co-workers for the past four summers and we became quite close, so I was excited to tell her about the new developments in my life and to hear about all her great recent successes.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to do a primary series workshop with Katie and Cheryl, unless of course I have to work, which I would really appreciate knowing at this point! Otherwise my weekend is wide open, because I haven't made any plans assuming that I'm going to be working most of the time..who the hell knows though.
This movie is so bad compared to the book. I'm reading another Nick Hornby book right now called How To Be Good, which I'm quite enjoying, but it's going to have to move over, because I received the new Bill Clinton book in the mail today and Bill takes precedence over everyone (Bill and I are on a first name basis), because I loooooooooove him!
Still happy, head spinning, stomach doing somersaults, heart going pitter-pat...you do the math.
Monday, June 21, 2004
I feel that it's time for a new post, but I actually don't have much to say. Everything's pretty much the same as it was last time I posted. In short, life is delicious and I'm splendidly happy...
I'll let everyone know why in good time.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Not too much new to report. I'm still in Hamilton, it's still brutally Hamiltonian. I miss Montreal so much. I was reminded of this last night when I was out with a great friend of mine from HSC. We went out for drinks and a chat. I haven't seen her in so long, what with me being in Montreal, she in Toronto, the whole Asia thing and that fact that last summer when I was home I was entirely too busy going to school and trying to remain sane to have any kind of social life at all. It was nice to go out and catch up. The thing that I love most about this friend is that she's always herself, everything else may change, but she stays the same. Her realness is deeply appreciated. Anyhow, we were chatting about mutual friends (i.e. the people we both went to school with from the time we were three until we were 18) and I was somewhat shocked to find out that all the people from high school are all still friends with each other, and, to a great extent, only each other. Now, it's not that I've been purposely excluded from this group in any way, it's just that I graduated high school a year early and then moved to another province, which effectively cut me out of the loop. I did the rest myself. I got a wonderful new group of friends in Montreal and I moved on and assumed everyone else did the same. But they didn't. I don't have a problem with their choices at all, and I hope that they don't with mine (although if they do, I don't care), I just find it strange how our paths which both came from the same place followed such divergent routes. I am so happy where I am now, wouldn't want to go back. I might try and hang out with them this summer, but I kind of wonder why. I moved to a new city, got new friends, had tons of experiences that they aren't aware of, and I feel that to go back would be to erase everything that's happened in the past four years, the progress and the evolution. To them I am the same Andrea that I was when I was ten. I've changed. A lot. Maybe I've become a heartless, jaded city-dweller. At least I'm a happy, heartless, jaded city-dweller. Besides, I can buy beer and wine in my corner store, which is more than the Ontarians can say (irrelevant, but important nonetheless!).
Went to yoga this morning. Katie was teaching again and Cheryl was assisting. It was a nice practice. I was very happy with my backbending today, getting more and more weight in my legs and less in my arms. But my left hamstring is really starting to kill me again. I'm supposed to do a primary series workshop on Thursday, but I might have to cancel, because I think it might require a rest. Today after class and throughout the day pain was radiating from the top of my hamstring up through my left 'buttock' (to be clinical) and into my lower back. Probably not a good thing. I think that the cold, damp weather may have affected it today..it only started bothering me in India when the monsoon started. I'm starting to think about getting something done about it (any suggestions? Rolfing? Deep tissue massage?), because this can't keep happening. Luckily my savasana was peaceful and without any teariness, as I was in a splendid mood, I've been happy and smiley lately on account of...stuff. Time to get back to the subject of my 'stalking' (it's a joke)and the extraordinary thing that is gmail.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
"Noon comes and turns this campus upside down/I watch the students in this
college town/You would think they're carefree, I have seen their trials/
Frowning into Shakespeare and practicing their smiles/Even underlining
Nabokov/When I am not in love, in love/It happens every day/With their journals in cafes/Looking up at their reflections on the other wall/With every new idea, wondering if they've changed at all/Then they turn away/It happens every day."
--Dar Williams, "It Happens Every Day."
It happened again. It seems that whenever I go to yoga now, since I've been home, it's turned into some strange, emotional experience by the time savasana rolls around. Katie was back teaching her first class since she left for Mysore in the winter, and I was so excited to see her. She made a special introduction to the class, noting that there was someone she had a special Mysore connection with in the class, that being me. We chatted after class, it was nice to have someone here who has also been there. Anyhow, during the opening invocation something hit me, I think it was her intonation. She was using the same intonation that was used in India and it made me smile, made me feel like I was part of something, belonged to a community of crazy yogis with whom I really fit.
Class was good, but my left hamstring is still really bothering me in the prasarita series(A, B, C and D) while in Mysore my head was on the floor in all of them except B, it's now hovering a good 4-6 inches off the ground in all of them, because my hamstring is still too sensitive. Otherwise it was a nice practice that moved at a pretty good pace. My backbends felt good and I got an awesome Sheshadri-esque adjustment in sarvangasana. Then the rest of finishing and savasana,and *bam* the emotional thing happened again. I was just there, on my mat, trying to relax, feeling really very spaced-out (in a wonderful, calm, meditative way)when I started to feel a little teary. What is it that's opened or is in the process of opening that's causing all this? Is it just the realization of my experiences in Asia that's causing so much stuff to come to the surface? So there I was, a touch emotional and I was thinking about everything that's changed in the past year, and not the obvious stuff like graduating and travelling, but the more subtle, personal stuff.
A year ago where was I? Here, at home in Ontario, working full time and going to school 4 nights a week. It was a horrible summer, but I did what I had to do to graduate early. Sure I went to school without a break for 16 months straight, but it was worth it. Where was I emotionally though? I was unsure, kind of unstable. My heart was somewhere, with someone who no longer wanted my affections. I couldn't let go, my grasp couldn't be loosened. Despite the heartache and the years of on-again-off-again instability I was grasping for something, anything, and the thought of nothing was unfathomable and heartbreaking. I was unsure of where my life was heading, scared, nervous, shaking at the thought of sending out law school applications. I got information packages sent from a number of schools, and to this day they're sitting untouched, unopened, because I was too stressed and too worried to even open them.
And now, it's as though I've been visited by a fairy godmother and circumstances and outlooks have been magically changed, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that no pumpkins appear at midnight. That person that I couldn't let go of has been set adrift from my heart and my memories. There was a time when I would fantasize about not thinking about him every day, and I had the realization while I was in Mysore that that has come to pass. What happened? Well, I tried once more, valiantly and with all I had to make it work even though I knew it was a stretch and that his heart had slipped away awhile ago, and then I got my heartbroken all over again. Something I should have seem coming, something I did see coming, but chose to ignore...selective intuition. Was it India? Was it Singapore (or rather, stuff that happened in Singapore)? I have no idea, but I do remember driving home to Delhi from the Taj Mahal and realising that I'd let it all go. It must be drifting away on Bali's waves, or sitting lonely on a Singaporean subway car, but wherever it is, it's vanished, and for that I am very thankful, and a little bit wistful. Detachment is tough, but it's good to be without the weight of it on my shoulders. It was with me for four years and finally, at long last I have been liberated, or rather, I liberated myself.
And my future, while certainly still unsure to some degree, at least it no longer causes me to break out in hives or hide from the mail carrier. I came to accept something that I'd known deep down for awhile: while I'd make a good lawyer, I didn't want that life. I want more freedom and a lot more creativity. I want to write. And I will. Just knowing what I want to do has made my life a lot lighter. I'm excited. I'm motivated. I'm happy.
Since I've come home to Canada I've realised that I'm a lot more secure. Anyone who knows me knows that self-esteem has generally not been a problem for me. I'm a pretty confident person with a lot to say and I'm not afraid to say it..sometimes I should probably be more afraid! But only after coming home and living in my normal context for awhile have I noticed that the little insecurities that I carried around with me have vanished (which is not to say that I'm without insecurities). I feel wonderfully secure and content and without worry. I think that a lot of the insecurities must have been tied to some of that baggage that I was carrying around, but now that that's been dealt with I feel renewed. And so tonight in savasana that's where I was: thinking about all that I was, all that I am now, how far I've come and getting emotional with the memories of how painful some of those times were, how proud I am for overcoming them and how somewhere, deep down I am so sad about letting that one person out of my life, because he was in it forever, but so happy, invigorated and grateful to be free.
I realise that this is just a lot of babbling, and somewhat inarticulate, incoherent babbling at that, but it's nice to articulate it in whatever fashion possible, and I like that I now feel secure enough to share these thoughts with the wide world (okay, the five or so people who read this!). It's on days like these that I am so thankful for yoga, for Mysore, for Asia and for my own evolution. Om shanti.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Yay! I got the job! I'll be hostessing at an haute Japanese resto/cocktail lounge that's opening in the heart of my city's bar/resto district. And tonight I have to go for a tasting to try all the items on the menu...poor me!
Obviously it's not a job that I want for the rest of my life, but it's exactly what I was looking for for this summer. It should be a great way to meet and mingle and an outlet for my innate need to work with people. It was so easy.
P.S. What's with the people who show up for job interviews wearing halter tops and shirts with bare midriffs, not to mention the ubiquitous far-too-tight jeans???
